If you’re finding yourself in the familiar experience of being the one who holds everything together, you could be experiencing what we call the Mother Wound.
It shows up as being the one who constantly cares and feels emotionally responsible for others. The one who over-gives, doing everything for everyone. Our ‘over-giving’ hiding beneath what looks like kindness, but it is really our wounds showing up around our inability to say “No.”
And the challenge is, this over-mothering often leads us to exhaustion and burn out.
It is illuminating the pattern – along with learning to self-mother – which helps. And essential oils are wonderful for supporting both of these things, calling us to reclaim our inner No and come home to ourselves.
The hidden psychology of over-mothering
The thing often not recognised about over-mothering others is that it is often a learned survival strategy. Many of us – women especially – learned early in life to soothe others’ emotions, keep the peace and take responsibility for being the strong one in highly-emotional environments.
It got locked into our nervous systems that if we take care of everyone else, we will stay safe and loved.
That pattern continues as people-pleasing, emotional caretaking, over-responsibility and difficulty setting boundaries.
And just to be clear – we’re not blaming our Mothers here for passing these things down; they, too, inherited relational patterns around sacrifice and responsibility. They, too, would benefit from coming home to their own bodies and learning how to break this pattern. This is ancestral.
How the mother wound shows up in everyday life
So how do we know if we are experiencing this wound? Well, from my own experience, we might find that we experience:
- Difficulty saying no
- Feeling responsible for others’ emotions
- Anticipating others’ needs hypervigilantly
- Over-giving in relationships
- Feeling guilty when resting
- Taking on problems that aren’t ours to solve
- Feeling drained after supporting others.
Which can also lead to physical health challenges that manifest from our incessant giving.
How this pattern affects the body
What impacts our minds will often show up physically in our bodies. When we continually learn to override our needs and become hyper-responsible, our nervous systems stay in constant hypervigilant activation.
We might begin to experience things like chronic fatigue, burnout, hormonal imbalance, muscle tension (especially shoulders, neck and back), digestive issues, anxiety, overwhelm or feeling wired.
These symptoms are the body’s way of communicating that we are carrying wounds that want our attention, love and healing.
The role of essential oils
Essential oils offer us support for shifting this wounding pattern – and the associated symptoms that show up with it. They can help us reconnect with our bodies, support emotional grounding, and also help us regulate the limbic system – the emotional centre of the brain – to calm the nervous system.
At the very least, they can help us take a moment to pause, tune back into ourselves and notice our own needs amidst the chaos of the rest of the world – allowing our nervous system to break its pattern.
Essential oils for healing the mother wound
There are a few ways that we can work with aromatherapy for this. We can use oils to help us pause and ground into our own bodies, open our heart to self-love, reclaim our boundaries and clarity over our needs and our own truth, and also to cultivate a sense of emotional release and lightness. Here are my favourites:
Oils to pause and ground
- Cedarwood – a warm, woody oil that is grounding for the nervous system, this oil helps us stabilise our emotions and reminds us to return to our own centre.
- Vetivert – rich, eartyh and calming, this oil supports our nervous system back to regulation when we reach shut-down, helping us slow down and reconnect with our bodies – practicing the pause.
Oils to open our hearts to self-love
- Rose – a floral heart-opener, this oil supports emotional healing and release, inviting us home to loving ourselves. It reminds us we are worthy of the same tenderness we offer others.
- Neroli – a delicate floral that soothes the nervous system, it supports emotional safety and helps us soften the vulnerability that arises as we begin to re-prioritise ourselves.
Oils to reclaim our boundaries and clarity on our needs
- Clary Sage – a powerful oil for reconnecting with our inner truth, this oil helps us recognise when we have been saying Yes and really meaning No, encouraging stronger personal boundaries.
- Frankincense – a grounding oil that helps us create space between our emotions and our reactions, supporting clearer thinking and helping us respond from self-awareness rather than obligation.
Oils to release emotions and cultivate lightness
- Bergamot – a bright, citrusty floral, Bergamot helps us release emotional heaviness and restore lightness when over-giving has left us anxious and drained.
- Sweet Orange – a joyful citrus, this oil lifts our mood, restoring ease where emotional responsibilities have begun to feel heavy.
In addition to these, there’s one nurturing oil that feels like the Mother to me, energetically, and that’s Chamomile. Chamomile is the soothing oil that acts like our own inner-Mother, and can really help to provide a sense of inner-nourishment and courage to help us look here.
A ritual for reclaiming our inner No
Working with essential oils in ritual can be a powerful way to begin the very first steps of healing this wound – which isn’t a quick fix. They can begin to help us open to seeing our patterns and loving ourselves in them.
Begin by carving out some quiet space where you won’t be interrupted (which might be an initiation in itself for the over-motherer).
Setting the space: mix 3 drops Clary Sage, 2 drops Bergamot and 1 drop Chamomile into water in an electrical diffuser or candle burner and diffuse for up to 30 minutes, as a way of setting your space for your ritual. Set your intention to begin working with healing your mother wound.
Self-mothering massage: add 3 drops Rose, 2 drops Cedarwood and 1 drop Sweet Orange into 15ml of Sweet Almond oil. Ritualistically and slowly apply this blend to your body in strokes towards the heart, with tender loving care – as if you were becoming your own mother.
Breathing: pop a little of the massage blend just above your top lip, and allow yourself to lie down and pause here for 10 minutes. Breathe in, inhaling the scent, for 4 and exhaling out for 8.
Journaling: Once you have spent 10 minutes breathing, contemplate all the reasons why you often override your No – and simply notice what comes up (giving yourself permission not to act on anything yet). Ask yourself:
- Are the responsibilities I commit to truly mine?
- Where am I giving more than I have to give?
- What would it feel like to say No?
- Is there anything I can do to interrupt this pattern?
As you go here remember that, initially, there’s nothing you need to do, just yet – this process is about regulation and self-illumination. Over time, more may be revealed around where you are being called to honour your No – and then you may feel called to take aligned-actions.
Remember, as you journey, that many of us were taught that love means sacrifice, but we cannot attend to others if our own bodies are on the floor. We can’t pour from an empty cup, as they say; so it’s time to top ours up first.
Saying No does not mean we stop caring; it means we include ourselves in that love. Healing the Mother wound is not about becoming less loving – it’s about allowing love to flow both ways.
Essential oils can help guide us back home to ourselves, reminding us that we are allowed to rest and receive too. Because nurturing others should never require us to abandon ourselves.
Happy blending – and self-mothering.
Nicole Barton
Consultant Aromatherapist
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