We’ve all been there – especially at this time of year, as we are right in the midst of December’s Christmas rush – in that moment when we have so many demands on us and our body is screaming “no more, I need to rest”. Somewhere inside is pleading with us to slow down and stop – we feel exhausted, but for some unknown reason, we feel compelled to keep on pushing through, forcing ourselves to run around and ‘fix’ everything for everyone else.
Our partner needs our support, our parents want us to do something, our kids are making demands, our work is piling up, the house is a mess, there are presents to buy, stockings to fill, decorations to put up, events with friends to go to. And all of a sudden, we notice, we’re sitting in the midst of chaos, meeting everyone else’s needs but our own – and we are frazzled, rather than feeling festive.
I’d like to say “there’s an oil for that” – and essential oils *do* provide soothing for this chaos, which we are going to explore in this blog – but the truth is, firstly, we have to learn how to choose into meeting our needs – even (and especially) when that feels impossible. So, today, I’m going to explore the oils (and some enquiry) that will firstly help us to choose to stop ‘people-pleasing’ – and then the oils that will help us soothe the symptoms created by our deeper ‘people-pleasing’ wounds.
The wound of people pleasing
It may sound strange, but that’s what people-pleasing is: a wound.
We didn’t always ‘people-please’. As children, our little girls and boys used to play and run wildly, without a care in the world – and then, over time, somewhere along the way, we learned that this was ‘wrong’ and we should ‘do more’, or ‘be more’ for everyone else. We learned – in a culture that values and prioritises push, force and hustle – to shame ourselves for not running around for everyone. We learned to shame ourselves if we didn’t people-please. And this became a wound. It’s a societal wound, but a wound nevertheless – because of how it feels in our body and what the effects are on our health.
So often, I come across people who are burned out and exhausted from people-pleasing – and we don’t even realise, half the time, that this is having an impact on our health. We don’t consider the costs to ourselves of going at this fast pace, of not taking care of ourselves.
Yet, we’ve all heard the phrase “you have to fill your own cup first” – or seen on the airplane that we have to “put our own mask on before helping others”; being burned out leaves us no help to anyone.
So, one of the first things, I’ll invite you to do – if you are recognising yourself in this – is to begin to heal this wound by creating some initial space to contemplate the costs and benefits of your people-pleasing ways.
Create the following blend, and sit with your journal to ask yourself the following questions around this pattern:
Contemplation Blend
Cypress is an oil that is good in times of upheaval and can create focus. Frankincense is a meditative oil for contemplation and Lemon is good for stress-related fatigue, so I’d recommend you create an initial blend to help you whilst you reflect on the following questions: 3 drops Lemon, 2 drops Cypress, and 2 drops Frankincense in water in an electrical diffuser or candle burner.
If you choose this, then you’re already one step closer to healing, but let’s take a deeper look at the wound of people-pleasing with some enquiry:
- Where do you notice you people-please in life?
- How does your body feel when you notice yourself in this pattern? Describe sensations – e.g. achy, tired, hard, tense, tight, etc.
- What are the costs and benefits of your people-pleasing?
- What stories do you hold from childhood about making sure everyone else is looked after before yourself?
- Are you willing to choose differently?
These journal prompts help you to begin to notice the patterns that want deeper healing.
If you chose ‘Yes’ to being willing to change this pattern, then now’s where we can harness essential oils for more healing.
‘Essential oil’ practices to heal people pleasing ‘symptoms’
The invitation is to create a container of 10-15 minutes a day to carve out for yourself, in which you will use essential oils to embody a softer, more self-loving feeling, and create some space to nourish yourself. Here are 3 ideas for how you could spend that time to soothe the effects of your people pleasing:
Self-Love Body Massage – to soothe aches, pains and fatigue
Of course, one of the most challenging ‘symptoms’ – or effects – of people-pleasing is that our body is exhausted because we have ‘over-ridden’ its signals. A healing practice for this is to connect back into ourselves by soothing the body and listening to it, whilst using essential oils that are soothing to aches, pains and fatigue caused by over-exerting:
Blend: mix 3 drops Bergamot, 2 drops Sandalwood and 1 drop Black Pepper in 15ml of a carrier oil such as Grapeseed and massage into your body (especially any tired/tense areas) for 15 minutes, noticing the sensations that your body feels as you do.
Self-Soothing Bath – to engage in pleasure for you
Because of our focus on meeting everyone’s needs, we rarely connect to a sense of pleasure for ourselves. A healing practice for this would be to have a soothing bath in which you connect to the sensory pleasure of oils, and the sensation of the water on your skin – perhaps you’ll even include bubbles!
Blend: mix 3 drops Sweet Orange, 2 drops Rose and 1 drop Ylang Ylang into 15ml of Base Formula’s Bath Oil, and add to the warm running water of your bath. Close all windows and doors, unplug your phone and have 15 minutes of blissful relaxation, noticing the pleasure being received by of all of your senses.
Story Soothing Spritz – to soothe your inner child
Finally, it can be really helpful to begin to heal and liberate the stories of your inner child that were illuminated in your journaling. Each time you notice you are people-pleasing, if you notice that pattern and spritz yourself, it will remind you that you have the capacity to love your inner child and begin to choose differently.
Blend: in a spray bottle, mix 15 drops Bergamot, 10 drops Lemon and 5 drops Patchouli into 100ml of Orange Flower Hydrolat, or water. Each time you notice yourself in people-pleasing, soothe your inner child by spraying this blend in the air around you.
You might also like to use this spritz to spend 15 minutes a day just tuning into your little child and visualising wrapping them up in love and letting them know that they don’t need to work so hard.
Overall, choosing any of these things will nourish you and fill your own cup back up – so whatever you choose will be healing for your inner people-pleaser. The deep invitation is to allow yourself to go a bit more gently this Christmas, and not feel compelled to be all things to everyone.
Happy self-love.
Nicole Barton
Consultant Aromatherapist
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